Travel Tips for the Ghetto Unfabulous

Sistahs, sistahs, sistahs and brothers you too, now that we make up a new percentage of the travelers across America, 19% domestically and 18% overall, just a few things you might want to think about:

Since I am an avid cruiser, I'll start there. We all know that cruise lines pamper us with personal attention and whet our appetites with a bevy of scrumptious edibles around the clock. What you may not know however, is that the constant availability of food is not so that Pookie and Nay-Nay can double up on pork chops and cheeseburgers, (indeed I have been on one cruise where the kitchen actually ran out of cooked meat due to overzealous eaters) but rather it is to keep your stomach full and settled to lessen your chances of becoming "sea sick".

Hydration and frequent well balanced meals are a key factor in realizing an enjoyable puke - free journey. So my family, even if you can fit 5 chops to a plate DONT! Not only is this unhealthy, it shows your lack of culture, boosts stereotypes, and will undoubtedly add weight to your already fat ass... (from one fat ass to another). Additionally, most of us won't be able to eat it all and just because its there doesn't mean we have the right to waste it. Yeah I'm talking to you.

Many of the cruise lines have dedicated times and table seating for dinner. Dinner dining on a cruise likens to that of a 4 or 5 star restaurant on land. Ladies should wear a flattering dress or slacks and top, like something you would wear to church or a business gathering, not your favorite club out fit, please keep your boobs, your bellies and your buns covered!(true cruise/resort wear is most acceptable - google it if you need help with the look) Gentlemen are encouraged to wear a jacket and slacks, shorts are an absolute no-no and your hip-hop gear is not cruise wear....really its not, unless you are rocking some classic Sean Jean menswear (that's suits Pookie) or if you really want to look like money, may I suggest Ozwald Boateng ready-to-wear collection, no riding your crack please.

You have a permanent dinner reservation for the duration of the cruise. So if you have been assigned early seating say at 6pm, that means 6pm. Keep your watches synchronized with the ships time. If you have reservations for late seating, that usually means about 8pm or so. Late seating does not mean you may arrive to dinner 30 minutes late! Even 15 minutes throws off your professionally trained wait staff. Get the full experience of treating yourself well on your vacation by cooperating with the social expectations of your crew and fellow diners.

Proper etiquette requires that all persons reserved for the table be seated before anyone's order may be taken. Don't yell at your servers or act new on them by snapping your fingers, rolling your eyes and shifting your neck. Don't demand to be served. The only thing you will succeed at is to show that you are new to travel and unrefined. Get your folks at your table to show up on time! If you want to travel like the big dawgs you should behave like one. And no it ain't a black thang its an ignorant thang. If you know someone is running a bit late, kindly notify your servers. We all know the golden rule to treat others as you would like to be treated. Our history did not start with slaver so you don't have to look down on someone else to feel up. Having someone serve you is a privilege not an opportunity to belittle another human being.

Also, if you are with a large group, do not roam the dining room floor and then wonder why you still haven't been served a beverage when you finally sit down at your table. If the staff are obliged to tell you which fork or knife to use, don't get offended! Just so you know, always start with the flatware closest to you and work your way out with each course served.

Table hopping is also in poor taste. Your servers want to get to know your likes and dislikes and be ready for you when you arrive the next evening. The more you keep your ass in your seat, the better dining experience you will have. If you don't like something, quietly let your server know and they will gladly bring you another selection. For the sake of your fellow diners, don't complain loudly and show your ass. We all learned in kindergarten if you ain't got something nice to say than keep your mouth shut!

And ya'll please, your wait staff is eager to serve you and offer you selection suggestions. If you would like to experience more than one entree, it's no big deal, but don't order the whole damn menu! And yet again if I may remind you, if at all possible don't waste the food!

Like my mom used to say " There are starving children in Africa." And probably some in your neighborhood too, so be the queens and kings you are and leave the gluttony behind.

We do what we do until we know better. Now that ya know......


That's melavision, what's yours?